Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
