His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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