Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
