I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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