end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT