I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...