Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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