Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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