I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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