someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
