I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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