My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
