i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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