The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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