so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Randomize
