My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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