I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
