i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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