i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
