My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
