Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
