I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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