i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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