Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
