we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
