i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
