i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He did a backflip because drugs
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
