You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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