I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
