I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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