Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
