I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
