I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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