Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Randomize
