WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
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