I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Houston, we have a blender
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
