I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
