Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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