You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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