Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
