I smell stomach acid.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
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Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
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Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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