Are we in a gay sports bar?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
