I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
