just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
