I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
