He felt like a one man threesome
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
