I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
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