remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
