Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
