you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
