cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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