i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
