"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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