He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
