You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
