I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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