I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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